The power of suggestion

I've been very quiet on the blogging front for the last couple of weeks because so much has been going on here and I've been somewhat reactive rather than proactive. Last month I went to my GP for a standard blood test as required every few weeks or months to check that my thyroid medication is at the correct level.

The GP said that she was concerned that my need for an increase in medication combined with a couple of other symptoms that we had discussed, may actually be masking something more sinister. She then went on to tell me that she wanted to test for uterine and ovarian cancer, heart disease, kidney malfunction and lung cancer. 

Well, talk about pulling the rug out from under somebody's feet, I was horrified and terrified at the same time. I'm sure she said lots of 'don't panic' type phrases, but if she did, I didn't hear them. All I could think about was that my father had suffered and eventually died from heart disease and my mother of liver, spleen and lung cancer. Having nursed my mother through those last few weeks, the memories of the, quite frankly, hideous death that she had came flooding back. All the images that I had locked away were now swimming around my brain.

So I went for an ultrasound scan, a chest x-ray, a raft of blood and urine tests, an ECG and more blood tests. I was called back in for additional blood tests, twice! For almost a month I was walking around wondering whether my body's automimmune disease had finally turned on other parts of my insides. 

Until the GP raised all these potential issues I had felt fine, absolutely marvellous actually and now I was wondering if my shortness of breath wasn't just due to being overweight, but was it a symptom of one of the conditions that the GP was looking for? Every niggle became a nag and a worry.

Now I know that it is pointless in worrying before the event, but our minds play tricks on us and I was losing sleep, losing a lot of sleep, worrying that I was harbouring a silent killer. Yes I know it all sounds ridiculously dramatic, but when you are staring at the ceiling at three in the morning yet again, everything becomes somewhat out of perspective.

Life on the smallholding continued as much as possible as normal, I kept as calm as I could on the surface and cracked on with the jobs that needed doing and making plans for the garden, the poultry and the house. Mr J had to rearrange a couple of work days so that he could take me to appointments, but otherwise things seemed normal. The chicks were growing well, the chickens were happy, we took delivery of some new chickens, life carried on as it should.

But in my head it was a very different matter, I have been in a state of panic for a month and inevitably that takes it toll on the body and on one's mood and I am sure that I have been pretty difficult to live with over the last month. Thank goodness Mr J is so understanding!

Finally on Wednesday this week, a full month since the previous appointment that started this chain of events, I returned to the GP to hear the results of all the tests. It seems I am not harbouring anything unpleasant and there appears little to worry about. 

There is an anomaly on my ECG and given my father's health history, she is referring my results to a cardiologist to check whether any other action should be taken, but I'm not really worried about that. When I was having the ECG done I was half sitting, half lying on the most uncomfortable couch so I'm not surprised that it was showing as having a minor blip, I was in pain and not really relaxing as required. And, she is referring my ultrasound results to a gynacologist just to check that there are no issues there, but she couldn't see anything untoward.

I can only tell you that this has been a very difficult month. I have felt very alone and very frightened. I have also taken stock of my life and am really rather happy with how I'm living and what I'm doing. 

I decided that if I had either heart disease or cancer of some kind that I would enjoy each day, live life to the full, celebrate the new morning, be grateful and thankful for all my blessings. And, that if I didn't have a health issue then I would do the same, but also celebrate my good health each and every day.

It has taken a few days for my brain to readjust, to stop panicking and to start this celebratory routine. Last night, for the first time in quite a while I slept for seven hours non-stop and have woken up feeling refreshed and ready to start this next chapter.

So here's to good health, to a loving family, to a bright future!

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I also post vlogs daily (almost). You can find my YouTube channel here.

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Wintery social day

Sunday 19th March. What a fabulous day we've had! 

Last year a group of smallholders, most of whom live in Wales, met up at a smallholding in Carmarthen for a barbecue (read about it here) and afterwards we all agreed that it would be good to have a regular meet up and I readily offered to host the next get together. We had thought that we'd have a social event before Christmas, but Lockdown meant that having lots of folks coming to the smallholding wasn't a good idea.

Now that the restrictions have been amended and as long as we are careful with our biosecurity, it feels safer to have friends to visit. So, at fairly short notice, we threw our doors open to a group of smallholders, alotmenteers and all round good eggs. Actually today, throwing our doors open was the last thing we wanted to do, the weather was appalling! We did however want to see our friends.

They arrived sensibly armed with wet weather clothes, wellies and enthusiasm. After a hot drink to warm up, we headed outside for a look around. Now it doesn't take very long to walk around our smallholding especially as at this time of year wandering around the chicken field isn't an option. The lockdown restrictions mean that only essential staff/owners are allowed into the birds spaces and given the feistiness of the roosters, stressing the boys by having lots of visitors is probably unwise.

So, we wandered, as best one can in 40 mph winds, around the annual vegetable garden and food forest area and then the area behind the piggeries. We looked at the three week old chicks and everyone made appropriate ooh and ahh noises. Our little plot of land doesn't take very long to walk around and afterwards we talked about how being a small plot means that we have to make the best use of the available space for what we are trying to achieve here.

I was struck (as I was at the barbecue too) at the resilience, humour, skills and knowledge of this group of friends, I feel blessed to know them. 

After a couple of hours of merriment and refreshments, those smallholders who lived furthest away headed home to be back in time to attend to their animals and by late afternoon all of our guests had left for their own smallholdings.

Our little home returned once more to the quietness that we are accustomed to, with only the sound of the incubator's fan whirring away in the background. I like the peacefulness here when it's quiet, but oh boy, did I enjoy having a houseful of folks and I'm very much looking forward to our next gathering of smallholders.

Anyway, I hope that my friends had as nice a time as I did and before we finish the washing up, I think it's time for a cuppa!

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I also post vlogs daily (almost). You can find my YouTube channel here.

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If you'd like to receive my blog posts direct to your inbox just enter your email address in the box below and follow the instructions. You'll probably need to confirm by clicking a link in your email inbox and then you will receive my blog each time a new entry is published. You can, of course, cancel your subscription at any time.

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200th blog post

Finding this message on the freezer door was a lovely surprise earlier this week, I decided that the best way to reply was to bake some mince pies.

I think Mr J enjoyed my response to his message.

It's a delight to find that I've had enough to write about to fill the 199 blog posts before this one. Our first year or so on the smallholding has been a busy one and despite a few hiccoughs along the way, it's been an incredibly exciting and fulfilling time.

I've been engrossed in a couple of projects this week, one I will write about when it's completed and the other has been to prepare some of the birds for Christmas. We are giving three ducks as gifts, one each to my sister, our neighbours and a friend who has been very helpful throughout the year.

Having not processed a duck before I felt a little daunted by the task. We had selected which ducks were staying with us for breeding next year (two of the last five ducklings hatched, one of the first hatched and Mrs Warne), this means that there five birds for the table.  I started with one of the youngest drakes and was pleased with how calmly and peacefully the process of dispatch was completed. Plucking it was also straightforward, but I was a little stumped by the cleaning process. I am now comfortable with how to clean a chicken and although neither quick nor perfect, I am reasonably competent, but a duck is a slightly different shape and it took me a while to work out what I needed to do.

As they say 'practice makes perfect' and I am sure that with each one I will become more familiar with the process and hopefully, over time, less squeamish. This is how it looked when it was almost ready for the oven, I spent a little time with some tweezers removing a few more of the feathers. It weighed 4lbs 6ozs which I thought was a pretty good weight. Once it was cooked, we ate our first home raised duck dinner. 

It was absolutely delicious. All that rich duck fat didn't go to waste, I used some of it to cook roast potatoes and the next evening roasted parsnips in it. So far we have had two meals from the duck and there is enough meat left on it for at least one more meal. My plan is to remove all of the meat and freeze it, so that I can make a poultry pie at a later date.

Sadly, I think it is time to dispatch Frederick, he has become almost too heavy for his legs and has started limping, well not limping exactly, but he's definitely struggling and finding it hard to put his full weight on one leg. The ducks are Aylesburys and are heavy birds and he is commercial Aylesbury, bred to become large and for the table. He's about sixteen months old, is the father of a couple of offspring (one of which we are keeping for our breeding flock) and has found it increasingly difficult to do his job of treading the girls and today I have noticed that one of his offspring now seems to have taken over the role as alpha male.

 A few weeks ago I shared a photograph of a pile of logs covered in frost and twinkling in the late autumn sunshine. Yesterday I noticed that this log had become a deep chestnut colour in the damp of the foggy days that have been with us for well over a week now. I love the way the two sets of rings (from where the tree branched) are so clear and also the way the ivy that grew around the tree is a completely different colour.

The cats seems to have settled in quite well, as I type Monty is curled up on the sofa with me, lying across my feet, keeping them warm. Tabitha is asleep on the chair that she has adopted as hers and occasionally I've noticed that she falls asleep mid-wash. They are still very nervous, they run and hide at bumps or noises in the house, but I am sure with time they will become more secure in their new home and ignore noises around them. They have only been here for a week and so we haven't let them outside the house to explore the garden yet. I think we will wait until after the grandchildren have been to visit next week (as I don't want them running off and not be able to find their way home) and then I will go out with them for the first couple of times as they get to know their wider surroundings.

 This evening we had a roast chicken for supper, Mr J has a very active job and so has enormous meals (and he's still not putting on weight!) and then, after supper, I cooked some fudge. My father used to make fudge when we were children and as we grew up and left home, he still made a batch of fudge for each of us every Christmas. 

Since he passed away in 2006 I have continued that tradition and made some fudge for my family and for my sister's family. My brothers both live on the other side of the Atlantic, so sadly they don't get any. If I remember I will make some for my younger brother when he visits us in the spring.

One of my favourite things about making fudge is that I get to have the sticky, gooey fudge balls that are made from what's left in the pan after I've poured the fudge mixture into a tray to set. 

I've also made some brandy butter and also some bread sauce for my sister. Mum used to make them for us each year, but now I make them for her. She is perfectly capable of making them herself, but I like being able to give her something for her Christmas lunch table. She often makes a smoked trout pate for me, from trout caught by my brother-in-law that they have smoked at home. We don't exchange gifts as such, so it is nice to be able to give her a little something.

The rest of this week will be taken up with the other project that we're tackling and some more preparation for Christmas. We will be having our usual very low key Christmas day, Mr J is working up to and including Christmas Eve and will no doubt be tired the next day, the animals will still need attending to and I'm also getting very tired. My daughter and grandchildren will be visiting on the 27th, so we will have a celebratory meal then. But tonight, I am happy to be celebrating that I have reached the milestone of 200 blog posts.

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